Hey ya'll,
Sowwie about not bloggin regularly! Things have just been a l'il too different, lately, for me to react well to 'em! And am, as usual, keeping busy!Vijay, I hope you doing good... I'm sowwie about being out for so long...
Well it's been an interesting year for me. And as it comes to a close, I cant help but think of the things that have happened in the past 12 months. I mean I've had ups and downs before, and people have come and gone...but this year was a milestone.
Loosing Nani has left a great hole in my heart and then ending a 3 years long relationship just broke my heart to pieces. I hope he can forgive me for ending it. My prayers are with him. This year has also left me without a few very close friends, whom I respected a great deal and loved even more... It was time to say goodbye to Apurva,Chitrak and Akash. Life has its own agenda. And whatever happens, happens for the best, I guess. But t hasn't just been all downhill for me.
This year brought me some wonderful moments, too. I finally got out of my business and got a bit of fresh air for the first time in years!! I went off to Calcutta and met some amazing people there. Jess, Phil, Chithra, Sangeeta, Aradhana, Shushanto..... all of them so very different from each other and with so much talent and care for others. I'm glad my life touched theirs. I dont get to interact with Sangeeta, Aradhana and Sushanto, though. I, also, finally got to know my relatives in Calcutta and it is wonderful to know I have such kind and loving people in my family. I'd like to thank them for being so nice to me while I was there, even though I refused to live with them there, and taking such good care of me when I fell really ill. It is always difficult to fall ill when you are in a new city, trying to find your way around work and everything!! But if you have such sweet people around you, you can surely come out of it well.
Calcutta also reminded me of my main aim in life. It got me back to what my real intentions are. It made me realize how shallow a life I was leading till date... where everything was about me and how much I've had to suffer or how bad the world has been to me. The place made me realize that it was about time I stopped wallowing in self pity and took control of my life. And that's exactly what I did. I refused to be treated as a doormat. I refused to do anything that I didnt want to. I got my certification and landed a teaching job. I'm glad I did. Am through with one assignment now and am onto a new one which will be done by March, 2008. I wish to move back to Mumbai and get going there. I wouldn't mind work in Timbucktoo, either!! In fact, anywhere new would be great! I love my country, but I do want to travel.
Speaking of travel, I went off to South Africa this Diwali.. No, I didnt go off alone. I'd gone with my family. Well, I think I was so used to travelling abroad with my friends or my Mom, that actually going in a group was... well...how can I put it??...umm.. different. I didnt get to see all that i wanted to. Neither did I get to do all that I wanted to. This is not a complain. Just an observation. That when you go with your family, you do touisty things. You stick to stuff that is popular with the mass. I did enjoy myself, though. Mum and I are like 2 great chums... so we had a ball.. and it was great to see Nana look at a new country. You would feel that people his age have been there and done that... but no, they love to do new things too..even if they do it in the old way!! For him, it was a trip of revealation. He finally realized his legs were not as good as they used to be and allowed us to take him around in a wheel chair. Not an easy job, if you ask me. Not an easy job at all.... trying to cart a 95 kgs. reluctant 76 yrs. old reluctant and stubborn child around while trying to discover a new country. But I did it. Sweet that he is, on the days he thought too much walk would be required, he stayed back at the hotel enjoying his single malt and the hotel's pampering services!
South Africa is such a beautiful country. I loved it! Filthy expensive, but beautiful. I loved Cape Town and George the most. My Mom loved Sun City the most. Well, here's the difference... I'd rather have stayed back in George and enjoyed the Atlantic Ocean and paragliding, while she would rather be in a luxurious hotel with all the modern facilities. I love long walks and she loves big cars, not that I have anything against big cars.... but I just prefer places like George more.. where you can be one with nature, where life seems to be just right, where it doesnt matter if you're Asian or American or European... you are just you. I guess, I'm just plain boring! But that's just how i've become.
I don't think anyone from Mithibai would even recognize me now... I dont mean physically. They just wont believe that the Shaivi they knew back then is this way now. My spirit is the same. I've just changed the way I put it across to people. No more standing in the middle of a crowded road and yelling "I love sex!" or whistling at guys wearing leaher jackets or flirting with anyone who was fair and handsome and had a dimple or harassing a poor substitute teacher or hitting on my friends bf's just to find out if he's worth my friends attention or staying out partying till the wee ours of the morning or talking a mile a minute or making children sing and dance. None of it. I don't even go to my fav old age home any more... I'm just scared they won't really want me around now that I've gotten so damn boring!!
But, like I said, my spirit is the same. I just dont need to put it across to others so agressively. I've realized the importance of not letting life take its own turns. You need to take the reigns of your life in your own hands. Only then will you ever get anything done. I hear some of my students say, let's see where life takes us. I wanna shake them and tell them.... No!Don't see where life takes you. Take life where you wanna go!!!
I have finally realized how nice it is to have true freedom, because I don't have it. A taste of it here and a lick of it there, but other than that... I'm still not free. I'm trying to build up all defences against emotional blackmailing and guilt. I hope that by the time I am ready to make my moves, I have a strong wall built up.... I will, then, finally be free!
Pray for me.... just like you would pray for your freedom!
Finally back!
F**k..contd.
March 15,2007.
yea, as i was saying. I never told anyone about how i was feeling back then...initially because i didnt understand what was happening and then out of shame, embarasment, guilt, etc.All those times he molested me,something clicked in my head. it was like i wasnt even the same person he was using. i felt like a voyeur. Standing and watching while he did things to my body and my soul. Nuffin made me feel more disgusted with myself when i turn back now and see that it was his sickness not mine, his dirty mind not mine...and thinking that it was somehow my fault that all of it was happening. How an it be my fault?? I didnt even knw,at that time, what da f**k he was doing when he put his hand in my panty!And all those oppurtunitites to speak out about it openly and make it stop were being snatched away from me.I dont want another person to go thru what i went thru. I want them to know I am here. I am here to help them in any way they want. I dont have an extra pot of gold neither do i have an unextinguishable bank account which automatically and miraculously replenishes it self. But i have the want to get you out of this dirt. All you havta do is tell me. If it is in my hands, i will not let another child get as screwed in the head as this shit made me. And believe me, if you dont talk about it, it screws up you mind completely. There are thousands of problems, physically; emotionally; and mentally, that will have to be faced and survived. I am a survivor, i agree. but at what cost?!It isnt necessary for anyone out there to pay that cost....one person paying it is enuff for the world!In India, Child sexual abuse/rape/molestation is not very openly talked about and hence there is no awareness. Parents do not understand the change in their child's behaviour. they may attribute it to mood swings or agressive hormones. But many a times that isnt the case. Parents need to start paying more attention to the way the child is being touched.The Bastard used to make me sit on his lap in front of my parents and they didnt notice a thing!!Oh no, nuffin wrong wid making ur best frndz's 12 yrs old daughter sit in ur lap....wad is wrong is to make her sit on ur bloody erection. all the times he wld be around, i'd be overly aggressive or overly subdued. No one noticed this either.Yday whn he entered nani's room, nirdosh had come to gv nani physiotherapy so all of us were trying to make her stand up, he walked in and comes straight to moi and kisses me!!! da cheek of da bloody bastard!to do this after such a lot had hpnd!and dat too in front of my poor nani.i jus turned away.have you ever felt the happinezz sucked outta u?!as if u'll never be able to feel nice about something ever again? dat is wad hpnd to me! But God's given me da ability to smile and bear shit along with the shit, so was able to say a sweet hello! he kept trying to get all touchy feely, kept pulling me next to him, he even tried to gram ma ass whn no one was looking!I noticed his hand moving and moved away...he was left groping the air!:))No, its nuffin to laugh about. I feel sorry for his daughter. What must she be going thru, ma poor namesake!!I may look all tough and strong,but dat man has da ability to make me feel like a 9 yr old trying to get away from her "uncle's" french kiss all over again!!! and dat kills me. it kills me because i dont want to be affected by him or his presence,cz it reminds me dat i'm not as strong as i want to be. I dont want to be vulnerable, i dont want to be in a position where another person can hurt me ever again, but if i am vulnerable i become a complete basket case..emotions run loose and am not at all cautious about anything! its a state of mind in dont want to be in.Childhood is the time i never had, and dis man is one of the reasons why. i dont want to look back. i dont want to think about how he spoilt me. Not only my body, but my mind and my soul. He is one of the men responsible for killing a child little by little every day for years.I dont sit and cry. I dont try and hide. I just become vulnerable and that is worse then crying and hiding!!I wish that there was something to make this pain go away. Physical pain was something i tried to keep my mind off this. It worked for abt 5 mins everytime i cut myself or hit myself or slept with someone just to say that dis is my choice and my body and i am reclaiming my lyf.. He must've dfntly noticed the cuts and the bruises. I thought they would make my body ugly and he'd not want any more of it...oh wad a fool i was!Can u see now, wad i mean by sayin screwed in the head??!!i wish der was a way i cld inflict the same amount of pain n him and those other bastards.... i know for sure that they shall rot in hell!But that is not enuff for me. I want them to live their lyf like i am ryt now...all the pain, hurt, humiliation,shame, confusion, disgust, mood swings, depression, anger, frustration and everything i have lived with for the past 22 yrs of my lyf.....I want each and every1 of u to keep an eye out for such men/women. They do not deserve to live amongst da society. Pls open up and talk to ppl abt this. only den will another child's God not die, only den will another child not be forced to live a lyf of dirt!I am thankful to Him for giving me all of this pain, in a way.I will atleast be able to help other ppl nw.And for all you sexual abuse survivors out der.... u'll have ome dis far...all alone...but now you have me.I may be screwed in the head, but by now even you must be. COME, HELP ME MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
F**k
March 15,2007.
Yday i met my nightmare. And i cldnt do anything about it.One wld think that things of the past shld b buried in da past and one shld move on. How do u move on when that nightmare keeps entering your life repeatedly.i survived his sickness for a major part of my preteen and teenage. and was seriously starting to think that he cant touch me now. He cant make me dirty now. He cant use me now.I was so mistaken! And after meeting him again after a long time yday, i feel equally dirty, equally used and shit scared!! Not that he could so anything in front of everyone, but everytime he touched me in that 1 hour, i felt i was back in the past....back to being his object of molestation.No, am not here to fish for sympathy or compliments about how strong i am. Trust me, i am not strong. I am here to finally make public a sick story only very few of my close frndz know. And why do i want to let ppl know of this? Simple, I am an example to a person who keeps all emotions inside me. I never spoke to anyone about what i felt.And see whr dat got me - screwed in da head!!hmmm...mum's callin...will continue in da next blog.
Loss of Words
How can I explain what I feel for you???!!
A feeling so strong, it has got to be true!
My life complete, my hear so full;
You are to me like a dream come true!
A dream that touched my deepest part;
Made me trust the love in your heart!
Your touch; your word; your every step;
Spoke of everything I till now only wrote:
Of broken dreams and shattered hopes;
Of pain numbed by malts and dope!!
It wasn’t pleasant to see you n’ me
So empty and inebriated, sick, one could easily be.
And now I know it isn’t The End
I would want of any - foe or friend.
So now your touch ; your word; your every step
Can speak of a part I’d buried and kept
- Dreams, love, hopes and undying trust.
This time ‘round, my valor won’t bite the dust -
‘Coz now my dream is of here and now,
That to you is my earnest vow.
Why do I wish to explain what I feel for you
When you already know my heart’s true?!
Collision
When mind and heart collide,
And you wonder if it is right to hide:
Your feelings of longing and loneliness,
Or have faith that world isn't heartless:
Think of yourself on a marooned island
And time, like sand slipping out of hand!
An Intimidation
If you shall ever leave me
I shall not die
Nor make my grief a trumpet to shatter the sky
I shall not ask for anything more
But to walk according to natural law
One foot behind me
The other before,
I shall rise at morning
Sleep at night,
Grope in darkness
See in light,
Tell unfailingly
Black from white,
I shall use my brain
To earn my bread,
Snarl when I’m hungry
Smile well -fed.
NO-I shall not die,
I shall be DEAD.
Love Smile
Dear Love,
Spread those lips and smile fer me,
Yer happy face
Thass what I wanna see,
It radiates and permeates
The beauty of yer face.
So spread those lips and smile fer me.
It puts the life back into ya
An’ ye’re full o’ life thass true,
It makes ya look all happy an’ gay,
An’ makes fer me a happier day,
So wipe yer tears an’ spread those lips,
Into a smile from ear-to-ear!
Let there be a blushing tone,
Life is not to groan an’ moan,
It’s meant fer ya to laugh an’ play,
So spread those lips and smile fer me!
Love,
Me.
