F**k..contd.

March 15,2007.
yea, as i was saying. I never told anyone about how i was feeling back then...initially because i didnt understand what was happening and then out of shame, embarasment, guilt, etc.All those times he molested me,something clicked in my head. it was like i wasnt even the same person he was using. i felt like a voyeur. Standing and watching while he did things to my body and my soul. Nuffin made me feel more disgusted with myself when i turn back now and see that it was his sickness not mine, his dirty mind not mine...and thinking that it was somehow my fault that all of it was happening. How an it be my fault?? I didnt even knw,at that time, what da f**k he was doing when he put his hand in my panty!And all those oppurtunitites to speak out about it openly and make it stop were being snatched away from me.I dont want another person to go thru what i went thru. I want them to know I am here. I am here to help them in any way they want. I dont have an extra pot of gold neither do i have an unextinguishable bank account which automatically and miraculously replenishes it self. But i have the want to get you out of this dirt. All you havta do is tell me. If it is in my hands, i will not let another child get as screwed in the head as this shit made me. And believe me, if you dont talk about it, it screws up you mind completely. There are thousands of problems, physically; emotionally; and mentally, that will have to be faced and survived. I am a survivor, i agree. but at what cost?!It isnt necessary for anyone out there to pay that cost....one person paying it is enuff for the world!In India, Child sexual abuse/rape/molestation is not very openly talked about and hence there is no awareness. Parents do not understand the change in their child's behaviour. they may attribute it to mood swings or agressive hormones. But many a times that isnt the case. Parents need to start paying more attention to the way the child is being touched.The Bastard used to make me sit on his lap in front of my parents and they didnt notice a thing!!Oh no, nuffin wrong wid making ur best frndz's 12 yrs old daughter sit in ur lap....wad is wrong is to make her sit on ur bloody erection. all the times he wld be around, i'd be overly aggressive or overly subdued. No one noticed this either.Yday whn he entered nani's room, nirdosh had come to gv nani physiotherapy so all of us were trying to make her stand up, he walked in and comes straight to moi and kisses me!!! da cheek of da bloody bastard!to do this after such a lot had hpnd!and dat too in front of my poor nani.i jus turned away.have you ever felt the happinezz sucked outta u?!as if u'll never be able to feel nice about something ever again? dat is wad hpnd to me! But God's given me da ability to smile and bear shit along with the shit, so was able to say a sweet hello! he kept trying to get all touchy feely, kept pulling me next to him, he even tried to gram ma ass whn no one was looking!I noticed his hand moving and moved away...he was left groping the air!:))No, its nuffin to laugh about. I feel sorry for his daughter. What must she be going thru, ma poor namesake!!I may look all tough and strong,but dat man has da ability to make me feel like a 9 yr old trying to get away from her "uncle's" french kiss all over again!!! and dat kills me. it kills me because i dont want to be affected by him or his presence,cz it reminds me dat i'm not as strong as i want to be. I dont want to be vulnerable, i dont want to be in a position where another person can hurt me ever again, but if i am vulnerable i become a complete basket case..emotions run loose and am not at all cautious about anything! its a state of mind in dont want to be in.Childhood is the time i never had, and dis man is one of the reasons why. i dont want to look back. i dont want to think about how he spoilt me. Not only my body, but my mind and my soul. He is one of the men responsible for killing a child little by little every day for years.I dont sit and cry. I dont try and hide. I just become vulnerable and that is worse then crying and hiding!!I wish that there was something to make this pain go away. Physical pain was something i tried to keep my mind off this. It worked for abt 5 mins everytime i cut myself or hit myself or slept with someone just to say that dis is my choice and my body and i am reclaiming my lyf.. He must've dfntly noticed the cuts and the bruises. I thought they would make my body ugly and he'd not want any more of it...oh wad a fool i was!Can u see now, wad i mean by sayin screwed in the head??!!i wish der was a way i cld inflict the same amount of pain n him and those other bastards.... i know for sure that they shall rot in hell!But that is not enuff for me. I want them to live their lyf like i am ryt now...all the pain, hurt, humiliation,shame, confusion, disgust, mood swings, depression, anger, frustration and everything i have lived with for the past 22 yrs of my lyf.....I want each and every1 of u to keep an eye out for such men/women. They do not deserve to live amongst da society. Pls open up and talk to ppl abt this. only den will another child's God not die, only den will another child not be forced to live a lyf of dirt!I am thankful to Him for giving me all of this pain, in a way.I will atleast be able to help other ppl nw.And for all you sexual abuse survivors out der.... u'll have ome dis far...all alone...but now you have me.I may be screwed in the head, but by now even you must be. COME, HELP ME MAKE A DIFFERENCE!