March 15,2007.
yea, as i was saying. I never told anyone about how i was feeling back then...initially because i didnt understand what was happening and then out of shame, embarasment, guilt, etc.All those times he molested me,something clicked in my head. it was like i wasnt even the same person he was using. i felt like a voyeur. Standing and watching while he did things to my body and my soul. Nuffin made me feel more disgusted with myself when i turn back now and see that it was his sickness not mine, his dirty mind not mine...and thinking that it was somehow my fault that all of it was happening. How an it be my fault?? I didnt even knw,at that time, what da f**k he was doing when he put his hand in my panty!And all those oppurtunitites to speak out about it openly and make it stop were being snatched away from me.I dont want another person to go thru what i went thru. I want them to know I am here. I am here to help them in any way they want. I dont have an extra pot of gold neither do i have an unextinguishable bank account which automatically and miraculously replenishes it self. But i have the want to get you out of this dirt. All you havta do is tell me. If it is in my hands, i will not let another child get as screwed in the head as this shit made me. And believe me, if you dont talk about it, it screws up you mind completely. There are thousands of problems, physically; emotionally; and mentally, that will have to be faced and survived. I am a survivor, i agree. but at what cost?!It isnt necessary for anyone out there to pay that cost....one person paying it is enuff for the world!In India, Child sexual abuse/rape/molestation is not very openly talked about and hence there is no awareness. Parents do not understand the change in their child's behaviour. they may attribute it to mood swings or agressive hormones. But many a times that isnt the case. Parents need to start paying more attention to the way the child is being touched.The Bastard used to make me sit on his lap in front of my parents and they didnt notice a thing!!Oh no, nuffin wrong wid making ur best frndz's 12 yrs old daughter sit in ur lap....wad is wrong is to make her sit on ur bloody erection. all the times he wld be around, i'd be overly aggressive or overly subdued. No one noticed this either.Yday whn he entered nani's room, nirdosh had come to gv nani physiotherapy so all of us were trying to make her stand up, he walked in and comes straight to moi and kisses me!!! da cheek of da bloody bastard!to do this after such a lot had hpnd!and dat too in front of my poor nani.i jus turned away.have you ever felt the happinezz sucked outta u?!as if u'll never be able to feel nice about something ever again? dat is wad hpnd to me! But God's given me da ability to smile and bear shit along with the shit, so was able to say a sweet hello! he kept trying to get all touchy feely, kept pulling me next to him, he even tried to gram ma ass whn no one was looking!I noticed his hand moving and moved away...he was left groping the air!:))No, its nuffin to laugh about. I feel sorry for his daughter. What must she be going thru, ma poor namesake!!I may look all tough and strong,but dat man has da ability to make me feel like a 9 yr old trying to get away from her "uncle's" french kiss all over again!!! and dat kills me. it kills me because i dont want to be affected by him or his presence,cz it reminds me dat i'm not as strong as i want to be. I dont want to be vulnerable, i dont want to be in a position where another person can hurt me ever again, but if i am vulnerable i become a complete basket case..emotions run loose and am not at all cautious about anything! its a state of mind in dont want to be in.Childhood is the time i never had, and dis man is one of the reasons why. i dont want to look back. i dont want to think about how he spoilt me. Not only my body, but my mind and my soul. He is one of the men responsible for killing a child little by little every day for years.I dont sit and cry. I dont try and hide. I just become vulnerable and that is worse then crying and hiding!!I wish that there was something to make this pain go away. Physical pain was something i tried to keep my mind off this. It worked for abt 5 mins everytime i cut myself or hit myself or slept with someone just to say that dis is my choice and my body and i am reclaiming my lyf.. He must've dfntly noticed the cuts and the bruises. I thought they would make my body ugly and he'd not want any more of it...oh wad a fool i was!Can u see now, wad i mean by sayin screwed in the head??!!i wish der was a way i cld inflict the same amount of pain n him and those other bastards.... i know for sure that they shall rot in hell!But that is not enuff for me. I want them to live their lyf like i am ryt now...all the pain, hurt, humiliation,shame, confusion, disgust, mood swings, depression, anger, frustration and everything i have lived with for the past 22 yrs of my lyf.....I want each and every1 of u to keep an eye out for such men/women. They do not deserve to live amongst da society. Pls open up and talk to ppl abt this. only den will another child's God not die, only den will another child not be forced to live a lyf of dirt!I am thankful to Him for giving me all of this pain, in a way.I will atleast be able to help other ppl nw.And for all you sexual abuse survivors out der.... u'll have ome dis far...all alone...but now you have me.I may be screwed in the head, but by now even you must be. COME, HELP ME MAKE A DIFFERENCE!
F**k..contd.
F**k
March 15,2007.
Yday i met my nightmare. And i cldnt do anything about it.One wld think that things of the past shld b buried in da past and one shld move on. How do u move on when that nightmare keeps entering your life repeatedly.i survived his sickness for a major part of my preteen and teenage. and was seriously starting to think that he cant touch me now. He cant make me dirty now. He cant use me now.I was so mistaken! And after meeting him again after a long time yday, i feel equally dirty, equally used and shit scared!! Not that he could so anything in front of everyone, but everytime he touched me in that 1 hour, i felt i was back in the past....back to being his object of molestation.No, am not here to fish for sympathy or compliments about how strong i am. Trust me, i am not strong. I am here to finally make public a sick story only very few of my close frndz know. And why do i want to let ppl know of this? Simple, I am an example to a person who keeps all emotions inside me. I never spoke to anyone about what i felt.And see whr dat got me - screwed in da head!!hmmm...mum's callin...will continue in da next blog.
Loss of Words
How can I explain what I feel for you???!!
A feeling so strong, it has got to be true!
My life complete, my hear so full;
You are to me like a dream come true!
A dream that touched my deepest part;
Made me trust the love in your heart!
Your touch; your word; your every step;
Spoke of everything I till now only wrote:
Of broken dreams and shattered hopes;
Of pain numbed by malts and dope!!
It wasn’t pleasant to see you n’ me
So empty and inebriated, sick, one could easily be.
And now I know it isn’t The End
I would want of any - foe or friend.
So now your touch ; your word; your every step
Can speak of a part I’d buried and kept
- Dreams, love, hopes and undying trust.
This time ‘round, my valor won’t bite the dust -
‘Coz now my dream is of here and now,
That to you is my earnest vow.
Why do I wish to explain what I feel for you
When you already know my heart’s true?!
Collision
When mind and heart collide,
And you wonder if it is right to hide:
Your feelings of longing and loneliness,
Or have faith that world isn't heartless:
Think of yourself on a marooned island
And time, like sand slipping out of hand!
An Intimidation
If you shall ever leave me
I shall not die
Nor make my grief a trumpet to shatter the sky
I shall not ask for anything more
But to walk according to natural law
One foot behind me
The other before,
I shall rise at morning
Sleep at night,
Grope in darkness
See in light,
Tell unfailingly
Black from white,
I shall use my brain
To earn my bread,
Snarl when I’m hungry
Smile well -fed.
NO-I shall not die,
I shall be DEAD.
Love Smile
Dear Love,
Spread those lips and smile fer me,
Yer happy face
Thass what I wanna see,
It radiates and permeates
The beauty of yer face.
So spread those lips and smile fer me.
It puts the life back into ya
An’ ye’re full o’ life thass true,
It makes ya look all happy an’ gay,
An’ makes fer me a happier day,
So wipe yer tears an’ spread those lips,
Into a smile from ear-to-ear!
Let there be a blushing tone,
Life is not to groan an’ moan,
It’s meant fer ya to laugh an’ play,
So spread those lips and smile fer me!
Love,
Me.
First Love
First love and first kiss;
The only one I sorely miss.
What I’d not give,
To see you smile and live.
Every moment I try to be
Everything that was you n' me.
Now I feel like I'm grasping the air,
I'm living in the shadows of despair.
It's now been too long,
Since you've been gone
And memories of you
Are like a beautiful song.
So pure, so wild, so bygone!
You're my first love; my first thought;
You're my magic dust of dawn
You're the reason my faith is so strong!
Childhood Wishes
I was surprised to come across this peace of my writing the other day. And hence am starting my new journal with it. Maybe, with time, I will be able to write about my life post-1997, but till then this is the base on which I maintain my journal.
Date: Sometime in June, 1997.
Life-What a gift!! It should be treasured and lived to the fullest.
Life in Mumbai-A greater gift .The city where dreams come true.
Life is beautiful… in Mumbai , we hardly have the time to notice this! But Mumbai is full of life and that’s why I love it . Being a student in Mumbai has taught me a great deal….traveling long distances on my own, to be patient, that everyone deserves as much respect as I do, as much space on and in this city as I do…coz everyone’s here to fulfill their dreams, just like me.
My dream is to make it big as a journalist .I wanna be a journalist for just one reason-I want equality to prevail in India, be it of sexes or of religion. God made humans not to fight. I believe that each one of us Is here for a reason, each of us has a task that we’re supposed to complete in our lifetime, something that’s going to be a milestone…one of us is here to serve, one to spread love, one to earn, one to teach others, one to invent, one to fight for justice, one to govern, one to help, one to heal, one to speak the truth, one to cook, one to clean, one to procreate, one to support!! everyone of us plays an important part in the running of this world. We may not be Gods but we are important. God has made us more intelligent then animals….He’s made us higher animals with brains and an opposable thumb! No one can beat that except Him.
What is my reason to live? What is my agenda? I would like my claim to fame be for spreading parity. Love, equality, happiness, peace. How do I plan to do that? Frankly, I have no clue!! My mom says that I’m too sentimental and am not capable of doing and thinking practically. So I guess my dream may sound half-baked to all. But it’s my DREAM!
Everyone has a right to dream, right?! My dream is to love and to be loved by everyone-I don’t want to not love a person because he/she is a Muslim or a Christian and I’m a Hindu! What’s the difference between? Why all these fight? I really can’t understand.
But I guess that’s what life is like for us. All each of us can do is understand, believe and feel the pain of our fellow beings and be there for each other as friends.
I love all. I wish all of us could.
Hoping, Me.
